Hope lies in a new dawn or so she hoped as she pinched herself before logging into her personal demon. This 15″ monster is giving her no response since last week. This day was no different. Yet, she showed ounce of courage in dialling up that dreaded number again.
Scene 1:
Infocom Nut: Yes mam
Miss Surreal :I am going to write to higher authorities.My system has crashed again
Infocom(in a shameless tone):we will fix it today madam.
So it begins, a series of misfortune strikes her as if she is the only target left .She finally logs in after struggling for 2 hours.
Hope is a fooling thing and every stupid deed never dies.Miss Surreal was hoping for shock free afternoon when suddenly someone knocked on the door.
Long dark bearded man with an evil intention on his face enters.
Mr Uncool: Increase our hours,this is not acceptable…gibberish…
Miss Surreal:I can only do it if you show me the proof.I work on data not your whimsical demands.
Mr. Uncool brought his gang to further pressurise Miss Surreal.Yet Miss Surreal stood firm,it was almost surreal to see Gang members demanding money for the work they never did.
Our organisation is masterful in creating gems like these,when time is over,they feel they can pretend to work.These moron had so many oxymoron in their consecutive syllables that Miss Surreal was simply stunned.
After listening to their meaningless banter,she promised to resolve the issue by discussing with the Head.
Scene 2: Heated chattering at Head Office
Topic seemed Headless from the start.With no room for further cheat by the Gang Members.This looked an open and shut case.Eureka! Sheer confidence of Mr. Uncool turned the tables and it seemed management has suffered Stockholm Syndrome and out of nowhere,freewill was granted to Gang members.
Miss Surreal tried her best to convince the real scenario,but the game was already played,dice was already thrown.Paper was signed and oppressor acting as oppressed,took another giant leap towards making this space smell like someone has killed ethics and justice with a single knife.
Scene 3:Sheer will and perseverence of Miss Surreal,brought faint hope as if there was light at the end of the tunnel.This time,barriers were broken,judgement was reversed and hours were deducted.
I could see the disappointment on the face of Mr Uncool and Gang and a feeling of elation and relief on Miss Surreal`s face.She had won a battle in this topsy turvy war.
Drenched in satisfactory sweat, a harmless itch slowly turns into a monstrous mountain and my beautiful suffering begins. My story of dodging lesions on my beautiful skin goes a long way back. Like any obsessive online creator, this one keeps asking for constant attention.I first discovered this mysterious mud when I was 15 and naive.After weeks of hopeless allopathy(suppression of systems that make you cry),I happen to meet homeopathy wizard,who magically made my allergy vanish with harmless sweet rounded white gems disguised as chocolates.They say,”Homeopathy works on poison in nano form”.I was already consuming Chips and Bland Television,so I wasn`t missing the diet to be honest.I know,you are thinking this is crazy.Why am I bothered about allergy and how it can inspire you.Hold onto your already diminishing attention span for at least 3 minutes and you will discover secrets that can transform your life or ruin someone else`s.
After a brief hiatus of 15 years,I was revisited by this naughty evil again when I took my second dose of vaccine. Welcome back, you Devil.Allergy feels like a spiritual out of body experience.I turned off my satire meter and immediately took an appointment to see a skin specialist.
Dooms Day 2pm, Eerie silence, and familiar hospital smell.After an uncomfortable wait of 20 minutes.
Doctor: Hi, what is the issue?
Me:I have been having this allergy issue ever since I took the vaccine.
Doctor:Don`t worry,I will write you 3 medicines,one for suppression of symptoms,other 2 to suppress symptoms of symptoms.
Me(in my mind):I have been suppressed enough by my government,job and education.I can take no more
Me(After waking up from delusion):Will this cure it? Are there any side-effects?
Doctor:We can`t say for sure,we need to try and see.You are your own best doctor.
I am not sure what that meant but I understood there is only suppression of truth in treatment of allergy.
Me:Thanks doctor for you advice.I will meet you in 3 weeks and let you know.
I haven`t taken any pill that takes away my right to express.I decided to experiment and explore.Be your own alchemist or whatever.
Allergy is a funny disease,it is not understood by many but still exists.Just like ego or stupidity.For the next few weeks,I was eating momos and meeting my naughty neo,having pista laden sweet and welcoming my uninvited friend.Everytime,it appeared,I laughed and tried my best to stay sane.With time,it withered away.Now,it only comes occasionally to say hello or remind me that Dostoevsky was wrong
“Beauty can destroy the world”
Real beauty lies in letting be and staying conscious to every moment.Enjoy your flaws and treat them as jokes and you will see it mingle with yourself.As my incompetent doctor says “You are your best Doctor”
Until next time,Stay en-lightened and don`t be afraid if you have out of body experiences.Laugh it off and just go within because everything is funny.
“Eat Nuts,Eat Momos,Eat Pista and Enjoy the adventure”
“Don’t eat that Himalayan Salt Lamp”,I pleaded in desperation,exasperation with pulses of perspiration.Just like my bluetooth device,she simply refused to respond.Just another normal day in my life where my wife felt like eating salt lamp will save her time and energy to get up from bed.The Ingenious oriental Salt lamp,normal day and my wonderful wife. Readers of the day,fellow non-relatables and my vigilant secret judges,let me take you in my weird world filled with pockets of idiosyncrasies,misadventure and occasional normalcy.
3 things have always given me perplexing paranoia:dealing with my bluetooth head-set, wearing a mask in Mumbai and conversations with my wonderful wife.Yes,even I was surprised by how similar these 3 are in my life.My Eureka moment came in the year 2020 when I decided to buy a bluetooth device,get married and then oh! the pandemic happened and I had to wear a mask to go to work in this wonderful humid mood of my city.2020 continues to surprise me but not comparable to my wife`s antics like gaining immunity from eating salt lamp.Another beautiful thing about my salt lamp is not only the fact that it is my wife`s favorite breakfast but it is originally mined from a place in Pakistan. Interestingly, it was bought to bring peace in my room but now it is melting into pieces.
Mask is one of the most revolutionary movement that has happened,not only does it stop my breathing just like my wife, it also makes my ear grow if I put it on for long.And just like my wife and my government,mask doesn`t allow me to speak freely and people say its safe to wear mask(not sure about getting married). Even I am baffled by the similarity that cropped up everytime I think about mask, bluetooth and my beautiful wife.
Marriage is like bluetooth device,looks fancy from outside but as time expands,you realise it takes lots of efforts to make it work and sometimes not so funny thing is,you lose your vibrant voice as I did when I bought this bewilderingly confusing bluetooth headset after consulting my expert wife.I admire your bravery if you have ever got married and then bought bewildering bluetooth headset and spoken loudly.
On taking a harder look,I did manage to find some defining differences though.Unlike bluetooth device that only works within 10-12 m distance,staying miles away from your wife helps a ton.Yes,mask does support you and bluetooth helps you connect but when weather turns strange and connection falters,your level of comfort falls back to panicky comical state.Just like in marriage
Everytime,I wear a mask,talk to my wife and play around with my faltering bluetooth,I am reminded of this inspiring quote:”what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” and I keep going strong with my 3 marvelous musketeers.
Another normal day in my life,as I look grimly at my non-functional himalayan salt lamp, half eaten lavishly by my better half,melting away slowly as is my hope for another peaceful day.
Pandemic has drastically changed the world,men & women moving around in mask and I am still searching for a perfect one.Oh No,not woman! a perfect mask .After doing extensive research on google:I decided to buy valve type mask in bulk:the day it arrived, government declared it illegal(just like 500 rupees notes).Just like my bluetooth headset and my wife`s mindset,I fail to understand such tragical comical unpredictable turn of events.Yet,another day vanishes,I happily plug in my bluetooth,put on my valve -less mask and fearlessly move out to catch a breath.
Just when it seemed things were returning to normalcy,my bluetooth device again refuse to connect,mask turned sweaty and watching my wonderful wife smile made me fear for the worst.
“Did you eat that Salt lamp again,I enquired politely
“No,I was suddenly curious to try gardening,went to balcony to stretch my hands and plant a new sapling when my unaware hand pushed an innocent flower pot down to the earth” she replied without an air of regret.
And the adventure continues,sapling was planted back on terrace and I tried my luck again with bluetooth device, my misty mask and my wonderful wife.
*hear a loud noise
“Did you drop that salt lamp ?”,I rambled with terror in my eyes.
I put on my stylish black non-threatening wildcraft mask,tie my seemingly strong super slippery shoelaces as I simultaneously struggle with my half broken glasses.I look a different animal in this pandemic.Infact everyone is an unrecognizable beast this year.2020 has woken,shaken and taken heart,soul and freedom of every being.Even the most cutest of soul looks threatening with a mask.Now,You understand why criminals and super heroes wore mask,it does set you apart and instills an air of uncertainty around you.Nowadays,My fear of dying of suffocation due to mask is more than fear of virus.I have changed my mask a gazillion times yet each one disappoints me in a rather special manner.Just like relationship these days,mask only stick around for few days that too if the weather is not too sweaty.
Carrying my eternal idiosyncratic mind with my gritty blue bag,I strode ahead, looking forward to another intense bout of insanity waiting to be showered upon me in my beloved arena.I catch my bus after making some path breaking conversation with Sardar Ji(Bus driver who sings and eats Parle G(Staple biscuit of India) while driving on surprisingly silent roads these days).
“Just bring that bus to nearby circle,Sector X”,My voice is making an unsuccessful attempt to be assertive yet this time it surprisingly works.
“I will check the barricades and tell you”, Sardar Ji replied in a jovial tone.Sardar Ji is a nice person just that he doesn`t get what I say.Anyways,nobody understands what I say.I accept my frivolous funny fate when I see my essential services bus racing towards me.9 minutes on this zombie looking street and my black panther mask is already making me feel asphyxiated and ennerved (if that actually is a word,even Shakespeare created some stupid words,I believe,my chance has arrived or is it,anyways my idiosyncrasy will go on).I put on my loyal headphone and open my last unread audiobook “how to make art by Leo Tolstoy”.As wisdom enters my vulnerable wild mind,I simultaneously think about vaccine,Relativity and enlightenment.
I reach the main Gate of my enterprising eccentric Arena.AK-47 detecting machine was as usual in OFF condition.I greet energetic smiling sheepish Security man:Yadav.Yadav has unseen superpower,I was stunned when Yadav asked me to open my gritty blue bag and without taking a glance inside,knows it is safe.He allows me inside after a rather strange inspection of my courageous bag.It started pouring as I made my way towards my boxing zone.I am surprisingly greeted by Kaashi on the way.
Kaashi is our coolest gang member,always donning a black bold goggle and a funky monkey mask with a non-sense serene expression on his face.He speaks only 2-4 words in a day yet resolves the most tricky problems without breaking a sweat.A change in expression on his face is as rare as Halley`s comet.Today must be something special,I wondered as I saw his rare smile hidden beneath his mystic mask.On my way I meet another unique soul:Mr.WittyHat.As he walks past me,he unconsciously sprinkles precious drops of wisdom on my impressionable spirit.
As I walk past dilapidated walls of my bewilderingly bleak building,I am greeted by Boisterous BodyBuilder. BodyBuilder always has an advice on how to raise your testosterone levels,amass black money and build dynasties.I am greeted again on my way to my cabin, by Affabble innocent Nana,who is genuinely heartbroken after I stopped buying tea from him(post corona decision).I finally settle down in my British era built chair when privy phone rang.
“We need Fireman in Arena X”
I take a deep breathe(an activity too crucial to miss out,essential for survival in my crazy witty world),drink my indigenously prepared pulpy protein shake and look with amusement at another day of mindless running and convincing folks to finally use their advanced pre-fontal cortex.
I barely took a sip from my bottle when a series of uninvited invasion in my room(despite Warning sign attached on my door) stunned me.Contractor Sincere is ever ready to get permit for me before I even swap my suave shirt and Classy Joggers with Orange Jail Costume.I know,I must respect my work attire,I would have only if the greedy contractor would have chosen a different color(even grey or black was fine but Orange does feel like I have been enslaved).I call my team member AngryBuddha.AngryBuddha is a mystical character with myriad shades to his personality.I try my best to lighten him up without much success.I must learn to be funny or firm or plain stupid any other trait won`t work in my arena.
After giving series of unconvincing permits to ever notorious contractors,I head towards my pilot project location.My driver:Muddu is still trying his level best to learn English.
“Where we go sir?” He enquired in an amusing tone
“Pilot Project”
“Why do we light flare in our Arena”
After hearing quite a potent technical question from Muddu,I was taken aback and amused.I wanted to say,mate it`s a sign that War is still ON.Yet,I didn`t want my satirical mind to ruin his honest query.
“When there is excess pressure,we have built an efficient system to release”
I wonder,why we still haven`t built an efficient pressure release system for humans.I reach my pilot plant with this tricky thought.I was surprised to see SameShirt walking in a T-Shirt(This was 1st time since last 3 months,that he has changed his shirt).
” Innocuous In-charge is still not on site”
“He is coming with Capitalletter soon”
This project has characters that can match even the toughest gangs of any place on Earth.If you want to learn art of passive aggression without effective work,this is the place to be-My ARena.
I was beginning to lose Hope when I saw my superhero Sappy coming with a blazing step towards the Arena.Sappy always has adrenaline rush around him and he was eager for another dopamine shot by some unseen heroics.As I gazed on the otherside,he had already bought a Cacophanous Crane and few fiery workers to start a mega project.
“What are you upto,Sappy?”
“We will change this pipeline,thickness has come down drastically”
I wish I could change the prefontal cortex of my team members,their thickness must have reduced phenominally by daily delirious acts of sustained stupidity.
As I sun was beginning to set,my hope rose by seeing Innocuous In-charge walk towards the arena with a paper and smile.
Everyday here is an example in notoriety,insane eccentricity with flashes of heroism to somehow save the day.I opened my gritty blue bag to sip in some water.It had been an another swashbuckling silly suave day at the office.
Until Next time,Wear Mask,Use your brain and Drink sanitiser.
Shailesh Satire 