Drenched in satisfactory sweat, a harmless itch slowly turns into a monstrous mountain and my beautiful suffering begins. My story of dodging lesions on my beautiful skin goes a long way back. Like any obsessive online creator, this one keeps asking for constant attention.I first discovered this mysterious mud when I was 15 and naive.After weeks of hopeless allopathy(suppression of systems that make you cry),I happen to meet homeopathy wizard,who magically made my allergy vanish with harmless sweet rounded white gems disguised as chocolates.They say,”Homeopathy works on poison in nano form”.I was already consuming Chips and Bland Television,so I wasn`t missing the diet to be honest.I know,you are thinking this is crazy.Why am I bothered about allergy and how it can inspire you.Hold onto your already diminishing attention span for at least 3 minutes and you will discover secrets that can transform your life or ruin someone else`s.
After a brief hiatus of 15 years,I was revisited by this naughty evil again when I took my second dose of vaccine. Welcome back, you Devil.Allergy feels like a spiritual out of body experience.I turned off my satire meter and immediately took an appointment to see a skin specialist.
Dooms Day 2pm, Eerie silence, and familiar hospital smell.After an uncomfortable wait of 20 minutes.
Doctor: Hi, what is the issue?
Me:I have been having this allergy issue ever since I took the vaccine.
Doctor:Don`t worry,I will write you 3 medicines,one for suppression of symptoms,other 2 to suppress symptoms of symptoms.
Me(in my mind):I have been suppressed enough by my government,job and education.I can take no more
Me(After waking up from delusion):Will this cure it? Are there any side-effects?
Doctor:We can`t say for sure,we need to try and see.You are your own best doctor.
I am not sure what that meant but I understood there is only suppression of truth in treatment of allergy.
Me:Thanks doctor for you advice.I will meet you in 3 weeks and let you know.
I haven`t taken any pill that takes away my right to express.I decided to experiment and explore.Be your own alchemist or whatever.
Allergy is a funny disease,it is not understood by many but still exists.Just like ego or stupidity.For the next few weeks,I was eating momos and meeting my naughty neo,having pista laden sweet and welcoming my uninvited friend.Everytime,it appeared,I laughed and tried my best to stay sane.With time,it withered away.Now,it only comes occasionally to say hello or remind me that Dostoevsky was wrong
“Beauty can destroy the world”
Real beauty lies in letting be and staying conscious to every moment.Enjoy your flaws and treat them as jokes and you will see it mingle with yourself.As my incompetent doctor says “You are your best Doctor”
Until next time,Stay en-lightened and don`t be afraid if you have out of body experiences.Laugh it off and just go within because everything is funny.
“Eat Nuts,Eat Momos,Eat Pista and Enjoy the adventure”
Stranger days call for strange weather and strange weather calls for Stranger situations.I know,it`s a strange start to my weird witty venture.As I prepare to dive into another extraordinary day of freakish adventure in our enterprising arena,I am still smiling inside simply thinking about-my notorious gems(Sappy,Kaashi,Chintu…).Human mind is the most powerful tool yet our notorious gems are using power of thoughts to play havoc in otherwise seemingly tepid space.You can`t discredit them for the unintentional fun they provide by just being who they are.Yes,these unintentional natural adventure, at times take your breathe away,yet it`s a price I am willing to pay.I am a brave man.A wise man never said,”to survive among notoriety requires stupidity and courage”
As I enter the main gates of my Arena,I am greeted by rather tense looking grumpy guy:Rama.Like Lord Rama,it seems even he has suffered a lot.We had a mini conversation as we did a security check in( bags are screened to detect if we carry AK-47 inside).But our goons don`t need a gun,they kill most of them with their lovely logic.Most days our X-ray machine goes to auto sleep mode.Our sleepy insecure guy daily checks our temperature(post corona days) ,only to realise that gun is not working.What a wonderful start to this rather riveting day.
I look above,see a bunch of clouds gathering to play devil,As if our notorious gems weren`t enough.One thing that has bothered me the most in the post corona era is wearing a malicious mask.Struggle is real.I only hope that I find my perfect mask before the vaccine is discovered.I have tried all numbers from N95 to 85 to 83 to infinity,none provide the ecstasy I am looking for while running frantically in field in this moisture laden atmosphere.I walk further towards my office as I hear a loud thump nearby.As I glance further,I see an innocent aluminium sheet blown away by violent winds.It seems,even the roof wasn`t happy with the civil work and decided to throw away her clothes in protest of her poor maintenance.I am angry and amused,I am shocked and at peace,these contrasting emotions are common as you enter my blissful arena.Today,I was excited more than ever as I was given charge of a fancy project.I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a second and when I reconnected with the world,I saw BlissedOutBoy waving at me.
“Are we going take shutdown of the unit” he asked
“Let me reach office first and then we will see,based on priority or weather or team`s mood”,I said politely.Unfortunately or fortunately to most of the folks here,kindness is taken as a sign of freedom.Freedom to relax as per our misty mood,freedom to vanish in polluted air and freedom to argue with the most beautifully constructed lame statements.Working with notorious gems is fun and risky at times.I am a brave guy,I take risks even if it only provides me some moments of insane laughter.C`mon,every man or woman deserves atleast few laughs per day.I think our company should provide incentive to smiling faces,atleast this will motivate our gems to be more cheerful.Already the weather is gloomy.
Scene 2:I reach office,put my bags on intricately made post independence charming chair.I gently greet Nana(our cool canteen guy who always has some mischievous stories to share about other families,mostly about how that boy ran away with that girl and how boisterous barber sneaked into his village in post corona era).Anyways,Nana is a no-nonsense guy and charismatic than most of the folks frolicking in my artistic arena.
“why are you feeling down Nana”, I asked(not to poke just a genuine concern).Poking people is another wonderful habit seen in my space.
“Nobody drinks my tea nowadays,Damn this Corona”,he said in a deflated tone.(Nana never talks in English,this is just an attempt to translate from Marathi language and Marathi I understand is as good as how Sappy understands rest,well Sappy never takes a rest).
Nana was refering to covid19 fear.Symptoms of covid19 fear are far more lethal than covid19 fever.We will get back to covid19 fear discussion later if you call me for tea in your house.For now,I wait for management to guide my heart and soul.I barely open my computer and log in when telephone rings.
“Today,you must follow up with this big project.” said,Management
“Okay sir”,I said. Okay sir is the most misused phrase used in our arena.
It rarely indicates agreement and in most cases it is just an acknowledgement by the gang members,sometimes polite.Okay sir may indicate it is not possible as there is no manpower or rather brain power.
Okay sir may be used in variety of situations.It is used mostly as an effective shield to save you from saying something embarrassing or even truth.Well,truth is mostly embarrassing because nobody accepts it.
As I put down my receiver,I take another deep breath.You need plenty of deep breath if you want to survive in my arena.I look for adventure bag to drink protein smoothie.Extra energy is lost when dealing with absolute notoriety of highest level.As I begin to plan for the day,another one rings.
“Sir,we need fireman in zombie unit”,said Shikari
“I will ask management to provide one,till then don`t start anything” I said.
Shikari and his team always throw tweaky tantrum whenever real work is assigned to them.Shikari clan are badass and fearless,they roam around like Elephants in my arena.They rarely listen to anybody and continue to eat grass(stone face clan).I know,this doesn`t make sense,but what does,in my cute arena.
Scene 3:
I get ready for the big project.I dress up in my fancy orange suit and yellow smelly helmet,with adventure bag and extra mask.I reach the site only to find my funny mate:sameshirt enjoying the shade of nearby banyan tree.
“Sir,thank God you are here,we can start now”.said sameshirt
“what do you mean? Where is the in-charge? it`s already 11”,I asked in a puzzled tone.
Sameshirt is an uncanny character.I always find him near a tree,wearing same dreadful shirt every beautiful day.I wonder,how many sets of that shirt he has or is it the same shirt. Ofcourse,I don`t make risky attempt to recognize the smell.Mercaptan(chemical whose smell remains with you even after you leave your body) is enough to put me in a dazed delirious state.(I love alliterations).
Drama begins.I search for Innocuous Project Incharge.His face looks like,he won`t even dare to trouble an ant.Here as well,he is showing no sign of troubling this project by his suspicious absence.I take another deep breathe and drink my protein smoothie.On the other side of the road,I find Birbal 2.0 making headway towards the Arena.Birbal 2.0 always has something intelligent and interesting to share.(A rare moment of sanity in my eternal timeline of madness).
“In-Charge is not on site and the permit is not yet ready,we shouldn`t allow the work as per XYZ.abc code.” He said
“You are right mate but I got orders from management.We are already running late”I said in a hurried voice.
Birbal 2.0 expects our gang to follow XYZ.abc code rules where our gems don`t even wear Safety shoes in the Arena.Birbal 2.0 is a stubborn and funny guy.Just as I was moving closer to the arena,I saw Innocuous Incharge(I.I) making headway towards the arena.
“Where are your warriors? I can only see Capitalletter walking aimlessly inside the arena”,I said in a tone mixed with angst and amusement.
“smallletter is coming soon.Till then,you can ask Capitalletter to line up the valve(a device that regulate flow)”,He said in a tone that didn`t sound enthusiastic or hopeful.
I was wondering how on Earth are we managing such a precious project with these bunch of comics.Well,even I was part of this pristine play now. Capitalletter is a bubbly boisterous badass character.He loves claiming big stuffs without a hint of embarrasment or fear.He knows everything under the sun except the work assigned to him.(He will have a great bonding with our notorious gems,I smiled in silence).
I.I(,Innocuous Incharge)ordered Capitalletter to check the pressure at the top of the tank as my blood pressure shot up watching his dwindling steps towards the tricky tank.Birbal 2.0 silently yet closely monitors the comedy of errors and notes down the details.Another warning mail to my team is in the pipeline.Play had barely begun and I can only jump,run,tackle or sit with my head facing towards sky as I wait for divine to save us from this dubious derilious activity.I miss my notorious gems today and Sappy`s coconut water shots as I direct this already misguided play to it`s comical conclusion.
Meanwhile,Sameshirt is still enjoying the serene shade of nearby Banyan tree.I smile and turn back to see an avalanche of water entering our arena.Another notoriety knocked on the doors,so I ran again with a mix of fear and amusement(my eternal state).
Wear mask,Drink coconut water and stay sane.See you soon.
Shailesh Satire 