Hope lies in a new dawn or so she hoped as she pinched herself before logging into her personal demon. This 15″ monster is giving her no response since last week. This day was no different. Yet, she showed ounce of courage in dialling up that dreaded number again.
Scene 1:
Infocom Nut: Yes mam
Miss Surreal :I am going to write to higher authorities.My system has crashed again
Infocom(in a shameless tone):we will fix it today madam.
So it begins, a series of misfortune strikes her as if she is the only target left .She finally logs in after struggling for 2 hours.
Hope is a fooling thing and every stupid deed never dies.Miss Surreal was hoping for shock free afternoon when suddenly someone knocked on the door.
Long dark bearded man with an evil intention on his face enters.
Mr Uncool: Increase our hours,this is not acceptable…gibberish…
Miss Surreal:I can only do it if you show me the proof.I work on data not your whimsical demands.
Mr. Uncool brought his gang to further pressurise Miss Surreal.Yet Miss Surreal stood firm,it was almost surreal to see Gang members demanding money for the work they never did.
Our organisation is masterful in creating gems like these,when time is over,they feel they can pretend to work.These moron had so many oxymoron in their consecutive syllables that Miss Surreal was simply stunned.
After listening to their meaningless banter,she promised to resolve the issue by discussing with the Head.
Scene 2: Heated chattering at Head Office
Topic seemed Headless from the start.With no room for further cheat by the Gang Members.This looked an open and shut case.Eureka! Sheer confidence of Mr. Uncool turned the tables and it seemed management has suffered Stockholm Syndrome and out of nowhere,freewill was granted to Gang members.
Miss Surreal tried her best to convince the real scenario,but the game was already played,dice was already thrown.Paper was signed and oppressor acting as oppressed,took another giant leap towards making this space smell like someone has killed ethics and justice with a single knife.
Scene 3:Sheer will and perseverence of Miss Surreal,brought faint hope as if there was light at the end of the tunnel.This time,barriers were broken,judgement was reversed and hours were deducted.
I could see the disappointment on the face of Mr Uncool and Gang and a feeling of elation and relief on Miss Surreal`s face.She had won a battle in this topsy turvy war.
Drenched in satisfactory sweat, a harmless itch slowly turns into a monstrous mountain and my beautiful suffering begins. My story of dodging lesions on my beautiful skin goes a long way back. Like any obsessive online creator, this one keeps asking for constant attention.I first discovered this mysterious mud when I was 15 and naive.After weeks of hopeless allopathy(suppression of systems that make you cry),I happen to meet homeopathy wizard,who magically made my allergy vanish with harmless sweet rounded white gems disguised as chocolates.They say,”Homeopathy works on poison in nano form”.I was already consuming Chips and Bland Television,so I wasn`t missing the diet to be honest.I know,you are thinking this is crazy.Why am I bothered about allergy and how it can inspire you.Hold onto your already diminishing attention span for at least 3 minutes and you will discover secrets that can transform your life or ruin someone else`s.
After a brief hiatus of 15 years,I was revisited by this naughty evil again when I took my second dose of vaccine. Welcome back, you Devil.Allergy feels like a spiritual out of body experience.I turned off my satire meter and immediately took an appointment to see a skin specialist.
Dooms Day 2pm, Eerie silence, and familiar hospital smell.After an uncomfortable wait of 20 minutes.
Doctor: Hi, what is the issue?
Me:I have been having this allergy issue ever since I took the vaccine.
Doctor:Don`t worry,I will write you 3 medicines,one for suppression of symptoms,other 2 to suppress symptoms of symptoms.
Me(in my mind):I have been suppressed enough by my government,job and education.I can take no more
Me(After waking up from delusion):Will this cure it? Are there any side-effects?
Doctor:We can`t say for sure,we need to try and see.You are your own best doctor.
I am not sure what that meant but I understood there is only suppression of truth in treatment of allergy.
Me:Thanks doctor for you advice.I will meet you in 3 weeks and let you know.
I haven`t taken any pill that takes away my right to express.I decided to experiment and explore.Be your own alchemist or whatever.
Allergy is a funny disease,it is not understood by many but still exists.Just like ego or stupidity.For the next few weeks,I was eating momos and meeting my naughty neo,having pista laden sweet and welcoming my uninvited friend.Everytime,it appeared,I laughed and tried my best to stay sane.With time,it withered away.Now,it only comes occasionally to say hello or remind me that Dostoevsky was wrong
“Beauty can destroy the world”
Real beauty lies in letting be and staying conscious to every moment.Enjoy your flaws and treat them as jokes and you will see it mingle with yourself.As my incompetent doctor says “You are your best Doctor”
Until next time,Stay en-lightened and don`t be afraid if you have out of body experiences.Laugh it off and just go within because everything is funny.
“Eat Nuts,Eat Momos,Eat Pista and Enjoy the adventure”
Spirituality is the new entertainment and Yoga is the new sports and I am an Enlightened Fool.- My Sane Stupid Self denies!!
My first glimpses with this glamorous glittering glorious world of enlightenment began when I visited Isha Yoga Centre in Coimbatore few years back in Auspicious month of August. Energy is a funny variable, it can wobble about just by mere thought and brought back to equilibrium by curious Chanting of Om. There was a perceptible difference in energy inside and outside the campus.
After a surreal serene Welcome, I along with my fellow Enlightened Fool, entered the mighty mystical marvelous cave.All devotees sat down to meditate in the dark with a hope to get Sweet Samadhi by evening or at least a sumptuous buffet or simply a cosmic high. I was carelessly calmly curious. Intense activity of sitting down and closing your eyes(just like our government response to any legitimate issue) went for an hour with reverberations of OM touching every cell of my being. I was sure, I saw Halo, until I realise,it was a torch light lit by my noisy neighbor in a desperate attempt to find his leg or wife or wallet or senses.
Intense, tragic and funny experience stay with you for a long time, especially when the food is delicious. Fast forward few years, here I am again meditating with an ear to my Super Guru-Sadh guru and a funny dream to attain the ultimate. Only this time, my taste in spirituality was expanded by my lovely lively wife who introduced me to this rather unassuming extraordinary being-J Krishnamurti. Ever since I laid a hand on one of his book. I went on a mission to read ,read and read, listen, listen and listen, to whatever this eccentric yet extraordinarily brilliant man had to say about living or dying.
J.K as he is usually called by his followers, is an extremely serious and funny man at the same time.Yet,he denies space and time and questions mere mortal to explore comedy in tragedy and tragedy in success and thought in entirety. JK was always animated while delivering his sermons yet kept audience bewildered by his clever curious questioning. As I read, read and read,listened,listened and listened, I realised,realised and realized that I didn’t realise.He kept on pushing me to see the division and go beyond while I kept on multiplying my misery and stayed in treacherous time.
Essence of any idea only comes to fruition when you can brag about your new found fantasy or en-lighten-ment to your friends, foes and family. Life is seriously funny.But when you start taking it seriously, it ceases to be funny.The very word itself has the root in lightening yourself of all past burdens accumulated as thought. The point is, whether you see Halo or not, listen to sound of silence or desperation or hallucinate. My only goal is to make you realize that there is nothing to realize.
On this trivial significant silly road called life, you will meet teachers, preachers and saints. Hold your breathe, sit down and expand your lungs. There are jokers everywhere on your path, some jovial others a bit nasty but if you stay sick serious, you will miss the fun. Join me and other marvelous mortals in unraveling mysteries of this extraordinary creation or may be it`s just a big old joke.
At my Workplace: I feel like Greta: Angry, mysterious, activist and a time traveler
‘It was the best of times, It was the worst of times’ said Dickens in not so recent history .As I step outside my black bold archaic gate into this vociferous vulnerable vile environment. Everyday is a battle, yet my longing heart hopelessly searches for another novel breeze but all I see is gloomy glorified mask covered caricatures. I feel I am playing a video game just this time, Mario in me ain’t that brave as the Nintendo one nor I can jump in those crazy clergy bounds.
I watch Lala as he gives a wry smile from his half covered napkin turned mask. Then as I approach a recently converted Covid hospital on my way, an uninterested watchman reads inevitably depressing news on his borrowed brown paper. Yet, he felt content to be alive.May be, we all are. Even this girl who just went past me in her Hercules cycle wearing a designer dock mask. Strange times calls for better luck but I usually get any as I stumble upon 67 years old wrinkle faced uncle on my way to battleground. “Hello, Uncle”, I greet him in not so spontaneous manner “Can you give this medical bill in office” he asks in not that polite demeanor.
Then,without giving any clear warnings,he went about complaining on how he doesnt approve of his son’s second marriage and how he cannot afford to waste a rupee on taking printouts.I listened with patience and at the same time prayed in silence that my bus driver shows up his schumacher skills and reaches my place in no time.Time is such a funny thing yet extremely painful at times.I looked at that tame figure and wondered what life he must have lived.
They say “real character of a man is determined by how he behaves with older people”, but trust me or just face him. It hasn’t been easy at all and he usually meets me at this time to narrate his usual adventures of saving every penny and straightening up his gangster son.
Beeep,Beeep.Oh that sound felt like symphony to my ears.My Bold Bus driver Rajkumar,arrived 2 minuted early today.I greet him with a sense of relief on my face like a prisoner who has been released on bail for a crime he has no clue of.
As I make another unsuccessful attempt to take a peaceful nap,I hear a not so poignant apoetic voice reverberating in my soul.Do employees don’t understand public behavior,the man behind seems to have lost his last cell of sanity and is mindlessly breaking my head with his virgin vain voice.
He seems to be throwing barrage of not so beautiful words to an unlucky one on the other side.I can’t even say anything to Bapu.
I remember old times,when I tried to bring some sense to his madness,he almost ran a bus over and then threatened with a stick.But still as Brutus says,Bapu ji is an honorable man and I,an ignorant fool.
After surviving his bullets of words,I managed to find some solace in my playlist.
I inevitably reached the gate of Fortune unfortunate company.
Bewildered half sleeping belly show stopper,my precious Security man makes an unsuccessful attempt to check my temperature from a device that always shows the same value.As I sense my storky surroundings filled with air of ignorance,insanity and intolerance,I bravely cross the border.
Sappy:Hello sir,Today I saw a snake shed his skin and walk away.
Me(in not so surprised tone):Was it in our lpg unit?
After what has happened in my LPG unit over past few weeks, a snake shedding his skin seemed like any other frivolous and funny event.
I carefully walk to avoid alligators and snake,but I know I will inevitable meet one,once I reach office.
Note:All reference to any creature does intend to hurt both man and the creature.
I almost trip over a well placed rusted grating on my way to my darling den.
I see kaka bringing tea in his usual amicable demeanor. I smile, he smiles and we walk past each other. There are many smile relationships I have developed in my life and I totally love it as I need not speak and there is no conflict.Sometimes,I feel,language has created more problems than it has solved and man has created language.
I sit on my half broken chair and stare curiously at the pyramid of non essential documents.I drink my super immune fluid and smile at the eternal idiosyncrasies of my space.I almost complete a breathe to see Rocky waiting with half torn white paper in his hand.
Rocky:Sir,I have to get sign for the work.
Me:But We don’t have fireman today.
Rocky(in shameless tone):We will do it with utmost safety sir.
Rocky shows no sign of remorse in uttering these syllables. Rocky’s Team specializes in creating glorious Diwali lights scene whenever they undertake any welding job. To listen safety from this innocent evil`s mouth was an insult to the man/woman or whosever created this term.
As Rocky leaves,Prasad enters.There are more memes on Prasad than Donald Trump. Dull Damaged Bathroom Slippers reflects his commitment to minimalism, mockery and stupidity.
Me:You Stay out,I will meet you in the field.
Prasad:Sir,I need a sign
This surely wasn’t a good sign.This work,these characters and on top of that we have Prasad. A Proud Maratha who plays more with welding torch light than a mighty Sword.But then his work kills my Soul.I reminded him again after taking few voluntary breathes.
In unabashed glittering suit, enters our Chhota Don:Chintu.I wish, I could play some music or drums to welcome this infamous man. But then, his usual unabashed voice aren`t music to my sensitive ears.
Chintu:I need a Crane Permit
Me(in a suspicious tone):What did you do last time you had one? You remember right?
I simply cant forget how poetically he broke the nozzle of an exchanger on a scorching Sunday Noon and vanished in polluted air when called to custody.
Me(in an affirmative tone):I will talk to Transport and Wear a N95 next time you enter.
I get up to change my costume from mysterious casual attire to Communal Orange Boiler Dirt Suit. I skip few breathes to check on my lungs, gulp my antibody shake and raise my brow only to witness another imminent disaster.
An Army of barely uncovered unmasked men waiting with permits in their filthy hand.
I politely request them to assert themselves one by one towards the podium. This is a Race I do not want to see.
Before this even begins ,I get another call from Big Boss.
Big Boss: Did the unit start? Coordinate and do it.
I simply have utmost honest hate towards this word: Coordinate. It is such an overused delusional concept just like efficiency or society or Democracy.
Me(frivolous attempt to act serious):Yes sir,I will.
Now, begins another circus of finding rare ravines in my workplace who may be willing to help me with this task. Or in other words :Coordinate.
A journey of million idiosyncrasies begins with a harmless one.
“This is vibrating like Hell, we may fall off anytime”, I said with terror in my bewildered eyes.
“Yeah, if it matches our resonant frequency” said Abhinav in a cool callous demeanor.
This idea stemmed from a shaky start ,we both were stuck at a working platform vibrating at frequencies faster than our heart beat. An idea that how we are instantly attracted to some people and hope others simply vanish in front of our eyes is worth examining. Is there any meaningful relationship between connection and frequencies.
I wish there was a mathematical equation that defined who will get connected to whom. We live in a non-Hogwartian world and we know most folks we meet on the road fall out of frequency with us. Yet, there are few that instantly get connected. Can we increase the connection frequency or simply rule out out of zone personalities? Can we expand our personality so that we can connect with more than few? These questions always put me in perpetual dilemma about what is true connection? Is getting a resonant frequency just coincidental or can this be achieved by directional effort?
Yet, how can we connect with everyone with same frequency. There are over 7 billion distinct maniacs unlike us, floating in this vast expanse of delusion and desire. I wish, I can create an App, that instantly tells your level of connection with fellow being. Yet, in this seemingly ordered sane world, we find ourselves lost in this battle of finding perfect frequency people(pfp).
I look outside and see a man teaching morse code to a dog.May be,that`s an interesting man I can connect with or may be I am going out of range in terms of my sane frequency. I walk further and see a girl taking a short break from her cycling and with a smile on her face rejoicing the moment with her fellow sapien about how playing with children was refreshing. Another case of interesting being yet I still can`t find relevant frequency to connect.
I look further and find a crazy man mumbling to himself, I look no further. I sit down in a nearby park and scribble down my dumb idea of connecting people with equations. I look for an equation that can be applied to everyone from: The king to a beggar from the sane to insane from boring to super-boring. After hours of brainstorming and frustration, came my eureka moment. That golden equation to connect people with numbers. Hold your breath, vodka or ego or whatever you are clutching onto. Check if you have corona, laugh at your neighbor and then scroll down the page.
Mighty equation that will shake this world:
Frequency of connect(Fc) =comfortable silence in minutes*mutual love and hatred*same sense of humor*curiosity in related subjects * honesty in conversation.*pure randomness
Out of 7 tricky terms, honesty in conversation is the most important one. Look for this sign, whenever you are finding your resonance. If you find this, then look for curiosity part then go for sense of humor then…I hope you get it. Weightage of this mighty equation increases with each term. Except the last one: pure randomness-It just happens.
Good luck on finding perfect resonant matches in your life. Until then keep exploring muggles, maniacs and jugheads and do not forget to apply Frequency of Connect equation next time, you say ‘Hi’ to someone.
I put on my stylish black non-threatening wildcraft mask,tie my seemingly strong super slippery shoelaces as I simultaneously struggle with my half broken glasses.I look a different animal in this pandemic.Infact everyone is an unrecognizable beast this year.2020 has woken,shaken and taken heart,soul and freedom of every being.Even the most cutest of soul looks threatening with a mask.Now,You understand why criminals and super heroes wore mask,it does set you apart and instills an air of uncertainty around you.Nowadays,My fear of dying of suffocation due to mask is more than fear of virus.I have changed my mask a gazillion times yet each one disappoints me in a rather special manner.Just like relationship these days,mask only stick around for few days that too if the weather is not too sweaty.
Carrying my eternal idiosyncratic mind with my gritty blue bag,I strode ahead, looking forward to another intense bout of insanity waiting to be showered upon me in my beloved arena.I catch my bus after making some path breaking conversation with Sardar Ji(Bus driver who sings and eats Parle G(Staple biscuit of India) while driving on surprisingly silent roads these days).
“Just bring that bus to nearby circle,Sector X”,My voice is making an unsuccessful attempt to be assertive yet this time it surprisingly works.
“I will check the barricades and tell you”, Sardar Ji replied in a jovial tone.Sardar Ji is a nice person just that he doesn`t get what I say.Anyways,nobody understands what I say.I accept my frivolous funny fate when I see my essential services bus racing towards me.9 minutes on this zombie looking street and my black panther mask is already making me feel asphyxiated and ennerved (if that actually is a word,even Shakespeare created some stupid words,I believe,my chance has arrived or is it,anyways my idiosyncrasy will go on).I put on my loyal headphone and open my last unread audiobook “how to make art by Leo Tolstoy”.As wisdom enters my vulnerable wild mind,I simultaneously think about vaccine,Relativity and enlightenment.
I reach the main Gate of my enterprising eccentric Arena.AK-47 detecting machine was as usual in OFF condition.I greet energetic smiling sheepish Security man:Yadav.Yadav has unseen superpower,I was stunned when Yadav asked me to open my gritty blue bag and without taking a glance inside,knows it is safe.He allows me inside after a rather strange inspection of my courageous bag.It started pouring as I made my way towards my boxing zone.I am surprisingly greeted by Kaashi on the way.
Kaashi is our coolest gang member,always donning a black bold goggle and a funky monkey mask with a non-sense serene expression on his face.He speaks only 2-4 words in a day yet resolves the most tricky problems without breaking a sweat.A change in expression on his face is as rare as Halley`s comet.Today must be something special,I wondered as I saw his rare smile hidden beneath his mystic mask.On my way I meet another unique soul:Mr.WittyHat.As he walks past me,he unconsciously sprinkles precious drops of wisdom on my impressionable spirit.
As I walk past dilapidated walls of my bewilderingly bleak building,I am greeted by Boisterous BodyBuilder. BodyBuilder always has an advice on how to raise your testosterone levels,amass black money and build dynasties.I am greeted again on my way to my cabin, by Affabble innocent Nana,who is genuinely heartbroken after I stopped buying tea from him(post corona decision).I finally settle down in my British era built chair when privy phone rang.
“We need Fireman in Arena X”
I take a deep breathe(an activity too crucial to miss out,essential for survival in my crazy witty world),drink my indigenously prepared pulpy protein shake and look with amusement at another day of mindless running and convincing folks to finally use their advanced pre-fontal cortex.
I barely took a sip from my bottle when a series of uninvited invasion in my room(despite Warning sign attached on my door) stunned me.Contractor Sincere is ever ready to get permit for me before I even swap my suave shirt and Classy Joggers with Orange Jail Costume.I know,I must respect my work attire,I would have only if the greedy contractor would have chosen a different color(even grey or black was fine but Orange does feel like I have been enslaved).I call my team member AngryBuddha.AngryBuddha is a mystical character with myriad shades to his personality.I try my best to lighten him up without much success.I must learn to be funny or firm or plain stupid any other trait won`t work in my arena.
After giving series of unconvincing permits to ever notorious contractors,I head towards my pilot project location.My driver:Muddu is still trying his level best to learn English.
“Where we go sir?” He enquired in an amusing tone
“Pilot Project”
“Why do we light flare in our Arena”
After hearing quite a potent technical question from Muddu,I was taken aback and amused.I wanted to say,mate it`s a sign that War is still ON.Yet,I didn`t want my satirical mind to ruin his honest query.
“When there is excess pressure,we have built an efficient system to release”
I wonder,why we still haven`t built an efficient pressure release system for humans.I reach my pilot plant with this tricky thought.I was surprised to see SameShirt walking in a T-Shirt(This was 1st time since last 3 months,that he has changed his shirt).
” Innocuous In-charge is still not on site”
“He is coming with Capitalletter soon”
This project has characters that can match even the toughest gangs of any place on Earth.If you want to learn art of passive aggression without effective work,this is the place to be-My ARena.
I was beginning to lose Hope when I saw my superhero Sappy coming with a blazing step towards the Arena.Sappy always has adrenaline rush around him and he was eager for another dopamine shot by some unseen heroics.As I gazed on the otherside,he had already bought a Cacophanous Crane and few fiery workers to start a mega project.
“What are you upto,Sappy?”
“We will change this pipeline,thickness has come down drastically”
I wish I could change the prefontal cortex of my team members,their thickness must have reduced phenominally by daily delirious acts of sustained stupidity.
As I sun was beginning to set,my hope rose by seeing Innocuous In-charge walk towards the arena with a paper and smile.
Everyday here is an example in notoriety,insane eccentricity with flashes of heroism to somehow save the day.I opened my gritty blue bag to sip in some water.It had been an another swashbuckling silly suave day at the office.
Until Next time,Wear Mask,Use your brain and Drink sanitiser.
Shailesh Satire 